Eternal life crisis

I try not to labor on what seems trivial about our lives. The normal ins and outs of marriage or parenthood or just being a human being. We all struggle. We all suffer. To each of us have our own issues and baggage and garbage we have to sort through. I've felt that talking about it is trite and dull. All that to say, let me candid about our life, as it is right now. In the Armstrong household a never ending source of strife seems to be money (big shock — I bet 80% of you out there that that too is an issue in your house).

Added to this strife is the precarious situation that I am alone in charge of what I make, when I make, and how often I can make it (to some degree). And that is never stable, never consistent and always too little. When I started off on my own, it wasn't voluntarily. We attempted to turn the negative into a positive with the benefits of being at home — working the hours I needed without having to choose a career over a family. It would be a sacrifice as well. No steady paycheck. Paying out of pocket for insurance. Doing without some luxuries. But knowing I could help at home when it was needed. Drive the kids to school. Watch them for an afternoon. Go to school specials. Without the guilt or fear of disappointing a boss or asking too often for "time off", and eventually being replaced.

Its been years now and the benefits we tried to find are now seemingly gone. Everything costs more. Everything requires more time. I'm at home and working more and getting paid the same (or less). The kids require more time for homework, more time for extra help, special attention, more activities and duties. The house and cars need maintenance and repair. We need food and clothes and every now and then a treat to know that life sometimes has its pleasures. Suddenly all that I wanted is out of control, and I'm sinking. Is it time to look for work, betray what we truly wanted and believed, and say "I've failed"? I have failed. I'm angry. I'm depressed. I'm stuck. I'm stressed. I'm wondering what was it all for, and where will this all go? What can I do? And why can't I do it better? Was I ignoring the obvious and being stubborn and selfish?

I'm blank. I'm vacant. I feel as if I don't care, because I don't believe it can be any better. So here I am, at a loss. I'm going on a bit of break for awhile. To search. Think. Seek. (Hopefully) Find.