Low is a Height
Wednesday March 26th 2008
by Paul Armstrong
Here we are, at the bottom of our lives. Its sunny outside, and you can sense the sprouts of spring aching to come out. Joy seems sequestered at the edge of a long hole, out of reach and taunting. I knew we were reaching for bottom — the place where you go to realize that its either let it explode, or search for rescue — but I didn't know what the view would be. Here we are, at the bottom of our lives. The phone rings every half hour. On the other line is someone wanting their money, money we don't have. Every half hour. And the bills stare back. And the bank account dips and sways. The phone rings. And I keep my head down and work. It's all I can do. Just work. Just survive. The mess I've made. Every half hour.
Here we are, at the bottom of our lives. Here we are, at 35 years old, taking what we can't get, starting over like children. Given. Free. Handouts. Food stamps. Free stores. We've dropped so low. Each day less capable. Less a provider. Less a man. The mess I've made. Every half hour the phone rings. And I keep my head down and work and work because its all I can do from exploding and letting go and staying here on the bottom staring up at the possibility of rescue, all because I needed and wanted and got them confused and took from what wasn't mine but allowed it to allure me — and I fell for it and ignored it and kept my head down and kept working as the phone rang and rang and rang.
And now, here we are. At the bottom. Where I can only accept your hand outs. Where I can only give up my pride. Where no one knows what to say. Where some friends walk away from guilt or fear or frustration or shame of who we are and who we've become. But there is nothing to say that helps. There is nothing I want, not sympathy, not pity. This is the mess I've created ... and the bottom we've taken ourselves too. This is where trust lives or dies. And I don't know which is in store ....
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I know it's a trivial and cliché response. But seriously, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. You'll pull thru. You guys always do. Somehow, you seem to scrounge up enough faith to push thru to the other side. Cheer up Paulie, you got a golden ticket. And if you still can't find yours, hit me up Sarah and I got a few extras...
Keepin' you guys in our prayers.
by Luke
∞ Wednesday, March 26th, 2008
heartbreaking, paul, to hear of your struggles...this post is so touching. like luke said...hang in there. the fact that you're posting this intimate look into your trials shows the stores of strength that are in there somewhere.
keep on keepin' on.
by rik
∞ Wednesday, March 26th, 2008
When we first moved to Wales we were renting a damp and cold house, we had no money to keep up with the rent so Jeff's parents were helping us with that. We had no money for food but some people in a church near where I used to live brought us a big box of various tins of stuff.... peas and beans and potatoes, a lot of em were out of date, and for a night out we'd put Callum in the stroller, walk down to the shop, buy 1 Mars bar and split it between the 3 of us.
It was Christmas time as well and we put aside £10 for Jeff to spend on me and £10 for me to spend on him and £20 for Callum. We got a cheapie (£5) Christmas tree and went down to the beach to collect shells to hang on it.
Somehow, we got out of that time to a better place, handouts helped so much...
I can talk about that time fine now, we've moved on. But it is still harder on Jeff than I can even fathom, he can't really talk about it... I think it just is harder on the guys.
It doesn't help, but we are so sorry. Love you guys, praying for a break for you. Hope to meet you someday...
by christine Gill
∞ Thursday, March 27th, 2008
I wish I could say something that would help, but saying we have been there does not take away the frustration, pain, fear, or bills. But I wanted to offer you some of God's word that we spent a lot a time reading and praying over. Know that we love your family and are here to listen or help in any way. If there is one thing that we learned, one of God's biggest blessings is to give us other brothers and sisters in Christ to lift us up and support us when we need it. We only have to be willing to let our pride go and accept the help in what ever form He offers it. God bless.
Mark 5:36
2 Cor 4:16-18
Josh 1:5
Eph 3:16-21
Luke 12: 4-7
by Bonnie
∞ Thursday, March 27th, 2008
We're in this together and not going anywhere...that's what community and friends do for each other. We will make it through and look back to tell stories of these days.
by Ryan
∞ Friday, March 28th, 2008
Friends and Faith are the only thing that you need right now.
I am there with you each step of the way. I am there with you as a friend not judging you for anything. I am there with you feeling my manhood slowly being stripped away. I am there with you when all it seems hopeless. I am there with you through it all.
We love you guys. I know that it is hard to find the blessings in your life while you crawl through this mile of crap...but if you take a second to look around...they are there.
God will show up.
by Trent
∞ Sunday, March 30th, 2008